So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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