You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
