there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
