I think I died a long time ago.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
