I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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