My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
