wat bout pragnant strippers??
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
i think im in europe. pls send help
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
