Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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