Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
