im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
the condom got lost in my hair
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize