I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
a search helicopter?!
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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