I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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