It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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