I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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