so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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