bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
