If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
