i barfeds in our rink
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
