I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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