i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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