If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
