Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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