My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
