Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
