My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
