standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
