i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize