If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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