The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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