Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
