I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
