I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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