turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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