Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
