Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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