Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
