were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
