well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
