How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Dicks are not precious.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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