U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Randomize
