i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
