I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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