laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
