Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
