I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
