Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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