Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
