Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
