So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
