respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
