Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
