even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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