Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
