I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
There r osticjed everywhere
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
MIDGETS
????
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
