Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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