This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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