when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
